E-Mail Tales

An "Adopted Daughter" of ours (NOT Daphne) and her husband (most definitely not Daphne's!) keep sending me this stuff by email (I'd once told her that I rather enjoyed all the jokes she had sent (quite true!) and that I might one day put it up on a web page; ever since then it's been a fairly steady avalanche).
I have no idea where they get it, nor whether I'm stepping on any copyrighted toes by publishing some of it here; if I am and if somebody else wants to take credit (if that is the right word) for this material, I'd be only too happy to let them have it.
In the meantime, without further ado, I present these various items of humour (some of which sound as if they'd be more at home in a 'Darwin Awards' page). The only reason I put them up was that I found them to be funny (well, sorta - some more than others, of course); this is, after all MY page!


If you can start the day without caffeine; If you can get along without pep pills; If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains; If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles; If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it; If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time; If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong; If you can take criticism and blame without resentment; If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her; If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend; If you can face the world without lies and deceit; If you can conquer tension without medical help; If you can relax without liquor; If you can sleep without the aid of drugs; If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics..... then you are probably the family dog.


An American touring Spain, after a day of sightseeing, stopped at a local restaurant . While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save it for you!"
The next morning, the American returned early, placed his order, and, that evening, was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

The True Story of:

(definitely a Darwin Awards candidate)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan: A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has yet to make even the first of his $560 monthly payments. He and a friend like to go duck hunting in winter when the lakes are frozen. So, one cold day, they drive out onto their favourite lake in the new vehicle, with their guns and the dog.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough that a wandering duck would come down and land on takes a little more effort than just an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator they take a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing, because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke from resulting blast. So they light the 40-second fuse and throw the stick far out onto the ice.
And now, enter the Dog. This dog is a Black Labrador, highly trained for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner! So, as you have probably guessed by now, the dog takes off across the ice and catches the stick just before it hits the ice. Trying to stop the dog, the men yell, scream, wave their arms but the dog is only encouraged by this demonstration and keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog, but it is only loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on back. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, is really concerned thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. So it takes cover under the Navigator.
By now the 40 seconds are up and......- BOOM! -- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake through a very large hole, leaving our two nimrods standing there, with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company, claiming that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives was not covered by the contract, refused to pay up.
And you thought you were having a bad day?

How they really talk!

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty --do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."

Unknown aircraft: "I'm bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right! " Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after this verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"


The following short quiz consists of 4 questions designed to determine whether you are qualified to be a "professional". The answers are below. HINT: The questions are really not that difficult.......

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross.
But it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?

The Answers:
1.Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2.Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Elephant.
The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.

4. You swim across.
All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.


(There's always a lot to be thankful for if only you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.)

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.
If the shoe it in every colour


A man dies while he is wearing a blue suit, at the funeral parlour his family express regret that he has always wanted to be buried in a black suit, but they cannot afford one..
The undertaker tells them to leave it with him and he will see what he can do.
The next time the family go back to the parlour there is their relative laid out in a beautiful black suit and the family are grateful and ask the undertaker how he managed it.
"Well," he says, "as luck would have it another man came in and he had died in a black suit, but he really wanted to be buried in a blue".. (really chuffed with himself).." I just swapped the heads over".

The True Story of:

Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
But there was a little green garden grass snake hiding in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa; She screamed a very loud scream; The husband who was taking a shower at the time, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him that there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. At which time the family dog came and cold- nosed him in the butt. The man thought the snake had bitten him and fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded the man on the stretcher and started carrying him out. Then the snake came out from under the sofa and an Emergency Medical Technician seeing it, dropped his end of the stretcher.
Which is when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. Arming himself with a rolled-up newspaper he began poking under the couch. Soon he decided the snake was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor, seeing her lying there, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch, One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was soon blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department but the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder while they were still halfway down the street. The ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed -----------------
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world-------
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that was when she shot him.


Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson? BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird became hypothermic and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it was revived by its warmth. The dung had actually thawed him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons?
1) Not everyone who poops on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of poop is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep poop, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Here endeth your management course.


1. And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

2. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

3. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

4. And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

5. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with emote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and EPSN2. And Man gained pounds.

6. And God said, "You're running up the score, you Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

7. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery... And Satan created HMOs...



The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


(If one shot don't kill 'em, then shoot 'em again.)
1) Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

2)Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

3) Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of his penis?
A. His body.

4) Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they are practicing to be men.

5) Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One...he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

6) Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

7) Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

8) Q. What do you call a man wearing a three-piece suit with shirt, tie and well-polished shoes?
A. The Defendant.

9) Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

10) Q. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they are born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

11) Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

12) Q. Why does is take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

13) Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

14) Q. What is the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him and tell him he can only pick one.

15) Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them to remember which end they need to wipe.

16) What is the difference between men and women?
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

17) Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

18) Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."



A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry". ..gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.



A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he'll soon breath his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls over to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it is an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is not your usual genie: he is wearing a Revenue Canada badge on a dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this,” says the man. "Who ever trusts a Revenue Canada employee."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter what, where ever I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached to it.


A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tenn. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer was climbing over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property,and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked what this rule was.
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and this goes on, back and forth, until one of us gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"


For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. The University of Menonli, after many years of profound research, has come up with this merit/demerit guide that will help you to understand just how the system works.
Remember: in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and you lose points.
But you don't get any points for doing something she expects of you.
(Sorry, but them's the rules of this game!)

Here is a reasonably comprehensive guide to the points system; it covers most of the situations in which you're likely to find yourself.

You make the bed...... +1
........but forget to add the decorative pillows. Or... 0 just throw the bedspread over the rumpled sheets.

You leave the toilet seat up. -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty. 0
Or not; you resort to Kleenex and......... -1
.................when this runs out you use the next bathroom.

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......... +5
.............but come back with beer and....... -5 liners!

You check out a suspicious noise at night........ 0
........and it is nothing or....... 0 is something......... +5
......that you can pummel with your six iron. But....... +10 turns out to have been her cat. -40

You stay by her side for the entire party. 0
You stay by her side for a little while and then leave her to go and chat with a College drinking buddy. -2
..........whose name is Tiffany and...... -4
..............who is a dancer....... -10
..............with breast implants. -18

You remember her birthday and........ 0 buy her a card and flowers and......... 0 take her out to dinner and...... 0's not at a sports bar! +1
Okay! Okay! it is at a sports bar and...... -2's all-you-can-eat night and...... -3
.............they've painted your face with the colours of your favorite team. -10

You go out with a pal.......... 0
.................who is happily married. +1
.........or who is single and........ -7
.................drives a Ferrari with......... -10
...........a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED). -15

You take her to a movie...... +2
........that she likes....... +4
................and you hate! +6
Okay! okay! it's one you like...... -2
................called Death Cop 3..... -3
.........that features Cyborgs who eat people. -9
But you'd fibbed and had told her it was a foreign film about orphans. -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly. -15
........but you exercise to get rid of it. +10
Or not; you resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts to hide it. -30
........and you say: "It doesn't matter, you have one too.". -800

.................You hesitate in responding. -10
.................You reply, "Where?". -35
.................You reply, "No, I think it's your ass". -100
.................Any other response. -20

You listen, displaying a concerned expression....... 0
.............for over 30 minutes! +5
.............and relate to her problem, sharing a similar experience. +50
Or: your mind wanders until you suddenly hear her asking:
"Well, what do you think I should do?".
You can listen to her for over 30 minutes without once looking at the TV. +100
..........until she realizes that you've fallen asleep. -200



This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to phone you before we come?"

.....AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched!

I live in a semi-rural area. Our new neighbor recently called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

My daughter went into a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce" but was told, rather apologetically, that they only had iceberg.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded: "Why on earth do they let blind people drive?"

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing", our manager cheerfully commented: "This is fun! We should do this more often." The rest of us just looked at each other with that deer-caught-in-the-headlights stare.

I work with an individual who once plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system wouldn't turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I've already done that side!"

A few years ago, I was just finishing up my Christmas shopping, and had bought a gift certificate, for my wife, using a credit card. The clerk asked me if I wanted the credit receipt stapled to the certificate and, feeling quite happy about having gotten this out of the way for another whole year, I jauntily replied: "Oh, no! I wouldn't want her to know how much this cost!" The clerk looked at me in wide-eyed wonderment: "Say, what a GREAT idea! I'll have to remember that. Thankyou!"

And I'm still wondering who won that one!


He was soooo lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the local pet store and bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, and, after finding a good location for it, decided that he would start off his new relationship by taking his pet to the local bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box: "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
Answer came there none. This bothered him somewhat, but he waited a few minutes then asked again: "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer. He hung around for a few minutes more, moping; then asked once more; this time putting his face right up against the little box and shouting: "Hey, you in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
Came a little voice from the box: "Okay, Okay already! I heard you the first time! I'm just putting on my shoes."


For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves: (1)The objective existence of dark; (2) That dark is denser than light and (3) That it is also faster!
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than those in this room.
As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can suck no more. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker.
A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that even after just one use, the wick has already turned black because all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. If you did the same thing with a finger, you'd see the same result (you'd also come to realise that dark can be quite painful). Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit (called a battery). When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it becomes slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be utilized to our advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push the dark into the ocean where it may be safely stored.
Prior to the invention of turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark out of the rivers and lakes and into the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is really a dark sucker.
"Never march in another man's parade."


MEMO: December 1st
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
MEMO: December 2nd
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
MEMO: December 3rd
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director
MEMO: December 7th
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
MEMO: December 9th
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces
MEMO: December 10th
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
MEMO: December 14th
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director.



A new two-year degree is being offered by The University of Menonli on "Becoming a Real Man".
That's right! In just six trimesters, you, too, can become a real man-as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts).
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101: Combating Stupidity.
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy (And Uncomfortable) Underthings for Christmas!

Winter Schedule

MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Coming Home at 4 AM.
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life: Learn to Cook I
EAT 101: Get a Life: Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers.

Spring Schedule

MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong (as usual).
MEN 121: Acceptinging Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123: All The Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Now Hers!

Autumn Schedule

SEX 101: Yes! You CAN Fall Asleep without It.
SEX 102: The Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower.
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)

Winter Schedule

MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency.
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children.
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver.
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise.
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Too - I.

Spring Schedule

MEN 220: Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only).
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary (Nor Does It Work!)
MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions.
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay.
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Too - II


EAT 110: Cooking with Tofu.
EAT 111: The Utilization of Eating Utensils.
EAT 112: Burping and Belching Discreetly.
MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
MEN 232: How to Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say: "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: It REALLY IS Cheaper to Keep Her!

Just some thought for all the women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, and ........... GUYnocologist :-)
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy!



Do you finf yourself falling asleep at meetings and seminars? And how about those long conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.
1. When yet another meeting, seminar or conference call threatens, prepare your "BS Bingo" card by drawing a square - I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into rows and columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25, 1" blocks.
2. Write one of the following cliches in each block:

synergystrategic fitcore competencies best practicebottom linerevisit
take that off-lineout of the loop24/7 benchmarkvalue-addedproactive
win-winthink outside the boxfast track result-drivenempower(ment)knowledge base
at the end of the daytouch basemindset clientfocus(ed)ballpark
game planleveragemeaningful dialogue

3. Check off the appropriate block as each cliche makes its appearence.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "B******T!"



Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent and self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into her lap and said:

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I really am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.":

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't f***ing think so."

Jesus, Satan, and the Computer

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for several days, and God was becoming tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, He said, "Cool it Guys. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge which of you does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and started computing.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They uploaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
By ten minutes before the deadline They had done every job known.
But then suddenly, lightning flashed across the sky; thunder rolled; rain poured down; and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word know in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan searched frantically, crying, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
But Jesus just started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan, observing this, became even more irate.
"Wait! Wait! He must have cheated! How in Heaven did he do that?"
But God just shrugged his shoulders and replied:

Seeking Companionship

The following ad is reported to have generated numerous responses...

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I also love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.


Jake lay dying.
His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. Tears running down her face, she held his fragile hand.
Roused from his slumber by her praying he looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest.Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I....I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I fooled around with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know, I know......" Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."



Return to HOMEPAGE

A Continuing Project: First Published on: 08 September 2002
Last modified on: 15 September 2002