Many of these ideas I've had stashed away for years. I'm pretty sure that they are not unique (well, they are pretty obvious, doncha' think? Now that you've seen them, that is :-)) but, except for the one or two, I've never come across them anywhere else!
They should at least give you a giggle or two.
Once, back in the seventies, I stuck this up in my lab and got some very puzzled questions from several people who would have known better had they the smallest smidgin of a sense of humour!
I do love a good pun! And that is ALL this is so keep your danders down.
This occurred to me back when this type of bumper sticker was quite popular, but, being terminally chicken, I never dared to publish it.
Yet another old bumper- sticker template resurrected. More bawdiness, I suppose (sigh!). But then this type of joke always did involve a sexual double-entendre, don'cha think?
We had our kids early and moved them out fast so that we could still have a life after the last one had left..........
Some guys get all the luck!
You're just going to have to excuse me for this one; it's WAY past my bedtime.
Unfortunately , this is not originally mine. I heard something like it somewhere. Sorry, but so far that's the best attribution that I can make.
My Favourite Number!
So, the next time somebody wishes you a long life you can figure out for yourself what they really want you to do!
Or, on the other hand,
"Better Late than Never!"
It is hereby rumoured that while that somewhat self-centered and irresponsible King, Edward VIII of Great Britain (Jan-Dec.1936), was composing his abdication speech, he considered including this deathless pun as a final flourish and that he was only dissuaded from doing so by strong objections from the more high-minded ministers in His Majesty's Government!
|ON THE DUMMY SIDE OF THE STREET|
|A popular late-night talk-show host sometimes goes what he calls
'Jay-Walking', taking the microphone out on the streets of Los Angeles and accosting
passers-by with tough questions on such topics as religion, culture, history and geography.
Here are some of the questions he posed and the answers he got.
|Who were Cain and Abel?||(1)" A Sitcom?"|
(2)"They were brothers of Adam.
I think Abel killed Cain......to win God's favor?"
|Where was the Korean War fought?||"Vietnam?"|
|About the Revolutionary War:
When did the movie The Patriot take place?
|Why do Americans celebrate the 4th. of July?
"Well, like, who exactly?"
|"To celebrate our independence from the people over there, somewhere, across the ocean".
|Complete the saying:
No Taxation without.......?
"Fixation? I can't remember. Give me a hint."
"Repercussion? Recommendation? I don't remember!"
|When was George Washington president?
Yes, but 19-when?
"So, if Washington was president in the 1920s, Lincoln would be....?"
|From another interview||"Lincoln was president during the Civil Rights movement during the 1950s."|
|And what happened during Lincoln's administration?
(hint) "It was a Big Deal"
|"The Declaration of Independence"|
|Who were the Minute Men?||"The Minute Men fought. But they only fought for a minute, and then they got exhausted and went home."|
|Other Answers to other questions||George Washington fought at Gettysburgh....|
Saving Private Ryan was about the Gulf War....
Pearl Harbour was bombed by the Americans to prevent the Hawaiians from taking over the mainland!
(Extracted from The Vancouver Sun, with no permission whatsoever, on 8
|ALTERNATIVE DEFINITIONS OF WORDS|
|The Washington Post recently published a contest in which you
had to supply alternative meanings for various given words. Here are some of the
|ABDICATE (v.)||To give up all hope of having a flat stomach|
|CARCINOMA (n.)||A valley in California notable for its heavy smog|
|ESPLANADE (v.)||To attempt an explanation while drunk.|
|FLABBERGASTED (adj.)||Appalled by how fat you've become.|
|NEGLIGENT (adj.)||The condition in which you answer the front door in your nightie.|
|LYMPH (v.)||To walk with a lisp.|
|GARGOYLE (n.)||An Olive-flavoured mouthwash.|
|FLATULENCE (n.)||The emergency vehicle that collects you after you've been run over by a steamroller.|
|BALDERDASH (n.)||The rapid recession of the hairline.|
|TESTICLE (n.)||An amusing examination question.|
|SEMANTICS (n.)||Pranks by students at a seminary; such as glueing together the pages of the priest's prayerbook just before vespers.|
|RECTITUDE (n.)||The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before conducting an examination.|
|OYSTER (n.)||Somebody who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.|
|FRISBATARIANISM (n.)||The belief that, after death, the soul
rises up to the roof and becomes stuck there.|
|NEW WORDS AND THEIR DEFINITIONS|
|In another WP contest readers were asked to alter any word
by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and to supply a definition
for the new word.|
Here are some of the winners.
|SARCHASM||The Gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.|
|REINTARNATION||Coming back to life as a hill-billy.|
|FOREPLOY||A misrepresentation in order to obtain sex.|
|INOCULATTE||To administer coffee intravenously|
|OSTEOPORNOSIS||A degenerate disease.|
|KARMAGEDDON||It's like when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like a real serious bummer.||GLIBIDO||All talk and no action.
(ed.note) A desire for verbal (NOT oral) sex.
|DOPELER EFFECT||The tendency for stupid ideas to seem smarter when they're coming at you fast.|
|IGNORANUS||Someone who is both stupid and nasty.|
(And, boy, do I know one of those!)
First Published in The Washington Post. Later in The Vancouver Sun. Later still, sent to me by my delightful daughter, Daphne, who must therefore carry the entire blame for all of the above.
Below are my own little contributions
|E-JACULATE||Result of a Virtual Climax.|
|FARMAGEDDON||A Total Crop Failure.|
|WORDS THAT ARE, AS YET, NON-EXISTENT|
|Nothing to do with either the WP or the VS this time. Just some devilish stuff that popped into my head and which can only be exorcised in this fashion.|
|MOMMALOGUE||The 'conversation' that a mother has with her errant child.|
|NYMPHOMMERCIAL||A half-hour TV commercial program that offers
some extremely friendly services.|
(This came in a blinding flash when I heard the phrase
(And I reeeeelly hope to see one of these before I go gaga.)
|TABBYNACLE||Where the Ancient Egyptians used to go to
worship their sacred cats.|
|TITLES FOR BOOKS THEY HAVEN'T BOTHERED TO WRITE YET|
|"Tom Brown's Ghoul Days."||"The Alibible"
(The Ultimate Book of Excuses!)
|"The Umpire's Strike's back!"
(A memoir of that wonderful summer when those absolute SAINTS caused boring big-league baseball, for the second time in living memory, to cease cluttering the TV Summer Schedules.)
Check out our new feature:
Collections of some of the funnier stories that have come in via my email.
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