LETTERS FROM GRAHAM
My younger son, who lives and works in COTU, Centre Of The Universe, (and you who live there know
where you are!) occasionally sends me these odd collections of....well, whatever they are,
I think that the time has come to give them (whatever they are) a wider audience.
1) A few words from the visionary Steven Wright
- All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism-to steal from many isresearch.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- ('At horse auctions, a foal and his mummy are soon parted' is my own contibution. -rjbw)
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Thankyou, Steven Wright
2) Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s:
(Graham sent this without any attribution.)
- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
- You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask:
"Do you wanna go get a beer?"
and he replies: "Yeah, give me five minutes".
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America,
but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
- You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.
- You consider Canada Post painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail".
- Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
- You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
- When you go home after a long day at work you still answer
the phone in a business manner.
- When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert
a "9" to get an outside line.
- You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for
three different companies.
- Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
- You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all
of your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to
get long-service awards.
- Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries annual budgets combined.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
- You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
- Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting
- You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be
- Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
- Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop
with all the latest features, while you have time to go for
lunch while yours boots up.
- Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
- There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department is short of, but they can afford four full-time
management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
- Your boss's favorite lines are:
When you've got a few minutes...
Could you fit this in...?
...in your spare time.
...when you've got a moment,
I know you're busy but...
I have an opportunity for you
- Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
- Every week another brown collection envelope comes around
because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
- You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving'
- Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
- The only reason you recognize your kids is because their
pictures are on your desk.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE
- You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
- As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
- It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen
this list already, but you don't have time to check so you
forward it anyway.
Thankyou very much, whoever you are.
3) From York Lam
An anagram, as you all know, is a word of phrase made by or rearranging
the letters of another word or phrase.
The following are exceptionally
Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is
deadly at Scrabble.
| Word ||When you re-arrange the letters
| Dormitory|| Dirty Room
| Desperation|| A Rope Ends It
| The Morse Code|| Here come Dots
| Slot Machines|| Cash Lost in 'em
| Animosity||Is No Amity
| Mother-in-law|| Woman Hitler
| Snooze Alarms||Alas! No More Z's
| Alec Guinness||Genuine Class
| Semolina||Is No Meal
| The Public Art Galleries||Large Picture Halls, I Bet
| A Decimal Point||I'm a Dot in Place
| The Earthquakes||That Queer Shake
| Eleven plus two||Twelve plus one
| Contradiction||Accord not in it
| Astronomer||Moon Starer
| Princess Diana||End Is A Car Spin
|Year Two Thousand||A Year To Shut Down
Thankyou, York Lam
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